"Would you like some...

I know that three days have passed since this happened, but I have been trying to get passed the embarrassment and humiliation. I have no doubt that I have been mentioned on someone's facebook status or in someone's blog already. Or worse, someone as good as my friends who actually manage to get photos on their phone without the subject knowing was there capturing my humiliation for all of their friends to see. Geno would love to know where that is.

My visiting teachers wanted to meet at Chickfila Thursday for lunch and to let the kids play. I was already a little out of sorts with trying to juggle a purse, diaper bag, 5 month-old in his carseat and a 3 year-old. But I did get the food ordered and get us settled in while Zachary went to play. He came out for some food and then went back to play again as I started to visit with the ladies.

I had made it through half of my sandwich when I saw Zachary walking toward me again. There was no mistaking that walk...legs wide, slow steps. You know, trying to not let your pants touch your body! I wasn't prepared for this issue AT ALL. One of the ladies took the baby so I could focus completely on Zachary and get him into the bathroom as quickly as possible.

We begin the trek to the bathroom that meant walking through the dining area. Did I mention that our Chickfila is the most popular restaurant in town and we were there during the lunch rush? The place was PACKED! I am trying to take care of the issue as quickly as possible without being noticed when this GINORMOUS turd drops out of his underwear and splats right on the floor between two tables of very nicely dressed couples enjoying their lunch! I WAS HORRIFIED!! I had that look of disbelief on my face...eyes and mouth all wide open. At least if it had been solid and rolled under the table, I could have just pretended like I had no clue that it had happened and been out of there before someone realized there was a horrible smell coming from under their table! I just don't get lucky like that. So, all I could do was apologize profusely AND leave it there until I could go get some paper towels from the bathroom.

I ordered Zachary to stand in the stall and not move. Do you have any idea how long of a walk it is to go back and pick up a huge ball of crap off the floor in front of people who are eating their lunch? I really expected something like the pool scene from Caddyshack where everyone would be clearing out and I wouldn't have to face any of them...but they were ALL sitting there just the same. Still eating their lunch in spite of the GINORMOUS turd sitting on the floor right next to them. A normal person would be so grossed out that they would lose their appetite, so I can only assume that they were staying to watch the show! I couldn't disappoint, so I came back with paper towels in hand and apologized even more as I did my best to try to be dignified while carrying crap in my hand.

Of course, one trip wouldn't be enough to clean it all up! Did I mention that when it fell out of his underwear he got it on his other foot and then left a trail all the way to the bathroom? So, now I had to get more paper towels and come back out again. Two long walks in one day! The second time, the nicely dressed gentleman who was probably about my age said, "Don't worry! It happened to me last week!" I'm sure he thought it was funny, but I was having trouble finding the humor in the situation while holding crap. I also have to wonder if he just didn't believe that so much could come out of someone so small and that maybe it was really me! Then an older lady who was only sitting along the trail and sees me coming out cleaning up the floor, leans down and says, " You need to come to my house next." All I can think is, "Why? Do you have a trail of crap on your floor, too?"

In the meantime, Zachary has been obediently standing by the toilet as ordered and is pulling off pieces of toilet paper and filling the toilet. By now, one of the wonderful ladies with me realizes that my issue is bigger than just cleaning up Zachary so she comes to offer some help. At this point, I just want to do damage control and get out of that place as soon as possible! I work on getting Zachary cleaned up. It takes several paper towels for the obvious areas...bum, legs...and that is when I realize that he must have kicked it when it fell out of his underwear, because it is stuck all over and in between his toes of the foot opposite the leg it fell down! I just wanted to get him home and into the tub...preferably full of Lysol! The ladies all pulled together to get the baby in his seat, our food packed up and help me escape my humiliation as quickly as possible.

I made it home. Zachary got his bath. Hunter had a bottle and fell asleep. I sat on my chair and just stared into space hoping that it was just a nightmare and never happened. The boys' mom and then Geno got home just a short time later. When Geno asked me how my lunch at Chickfila went, and I didn't even get two sentences out before he was bent over with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard...I knew it was all real. I'm sure you will forgive me for not having a photo to go along with this post!